My quest for perfection plus added pressure has put me into a bit of a flying funk. Shane and I've had a string of lessons that were lesson than wonderful. After some bumpy rides, crappy crosswinds, and less than perfect landings I ended up being my own worst enemy. I'm not going to give them more time by blogging on each of them, and so this is going to be the catch all post.
I was in a very bad place on Monday night. I didn't even make it to the gas pumps before I hit full on sobbing. If I didn't have so much invested in this venture I probably would've quit that night. The other reason I didn't quit is that I'm an example for Sullivan. I don't want to teach him that quitting is the answer when things get difficult. It totally affected my mood in the days that followed, because failures take me to a dark place since I'm a perfectionist. I was still a pretty big mess even after Shane and I talked things through. He felt that I should fly with someone else, and hoped it would get me out of my funk. I agreed. It is that much harder on both of us when things don't go well. I have a hard time putting my emotions away when I fly with Shane. It's a double edged sword. We're on top of the world when things go well, but when they don't it takes a toll on both of us. I'm very thankful that we've been able to go as long as we've had without any issues. I truly love flying with him. I couldn't find an instructor that could better tailor the training to fit my learning style. On the other hand it is easier to accept criticism from someone other than your best friend.
So it was decided that I would fly with the instructor that I had flown with previously. The issue of flying in the other airplane was brought up when we talked through the lessons that had gone poorly. He felt that I'd have a better view from that plane and that my landings would improve again. I told him for the millionth time that I didn't want to switch planes. I felt like he understood my reasons, and knew that I had overcome so much to be able to fly 3NK. I went out to the airport on Tuesday afternoon, because I've recently started working a few hours a week there for him. There was also a chance I was going to fly with his other instructor that afternoon. Shane felt the sooner I got back in the plane the better it would be for me psychologically. Shortly after I got there he called me into his office and told me that he and the other instructor had talked. They both felt strongly that I should try flying the other airplane. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I thought he understood my side of things. He told me it was ultimately my decision. That discussion made me want to pause the flying and give myself a couple days to regroup. It didn't end up that way though. After some nagging, pushing, encouraging, and manipulating I ended up in the airplane I didn't want to be in.
Both 3NK and 27G are Cessna 172s but they are a bit different. The major differences are the instrument panel setup, rudder performance, and the view of the nose. I being left handed much prefer the way 3NK is setup, because many of 27G's instruments/switches are on the far right side of the panel. The rudders are require much less pressure and felt very loose to me. I will agree that my view of the nose was a bit better, but that didn't win me over. I felt like a fish out of water in the airplane. The checklist work was less than smooth since I had to look around for the instruments I needed. My footwork ended up being less than desirable since I had to get used to using different amounts of rudder pressure. A good portion of the lesson I spent just working out the bugs of flying a different airplane with an instructor I wasn't as used to. My landings did get progressively better, and by the last landing I felt a small glimmer of confidence coming back. The other instructor agreed that I over thought things, and my quest for perfectionism was getting in the way of flying the airplane. Oddly enough, the landing that we chatted through was my best one because I didn't over think it.
I'm not exactly sure where to go from here since my goal has been to master flying 3NK on my own. It wasn't my original goal but one I set for myself when I started to struggle with the physical flying of it. Do I fly in 27G until I get my confidence back and my landings have improved greatly? Do I try to go right back to 3NK even though Shane and the other instructor feel that 27G is a better fit for me? I'm pretty stubborn, and I'd like to show them that 3NK can be a good fit for me too? I know, real mature, but they can't begin to understand what learning to fly is like for me. The mature me asks am I allowed to change my goal considering the circumstances? Lots of things to ponder and I'll try not to over analyze them.
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